The moment of disclosure is here. In my last post, I described how me going vegan improved my health, got me ripped, and made me morally superior to 98,6% of the human population. The feeling was intoxicating, but perhaps not 100% accurate.
First of all, I feel the need to address the picture I connected with my previous post. The time between these two images is about 12h the image to the right is heavily photoshopped and stretched out to make the guy look bigger. Also, it is not me. But to all of you who thought it was: thank you! Please always keep that thought in mind!
I have always been interested in trying different diets and training methods. I've also experimented with several of those "a pill a day" wonder cures. You might be surprised to hear that every single diet, training method, and treatment have worked — every single one. The secret does not lie in the actual diet, or in which angle you do the pushup or the ingredients of the magic pill, but in a much stronger force: the placebo effect.
As with any ideology, we easily give credit to one specific factor that we choose to believe in and often disregard other elements that sometimes have a much more significant impact. This human tendency must not be restrained but relentlessly encouraged.
Whatever hocus-pocus method you end up trying, you need to have faith that it actually works. Let the Force of Placebo flow through your veins. When your scale shows that you have lost a pound convince yourself that it is due to that blue pill and not the diarrhoea you got from Taco Bell the previous weekend. These small triumphs will accumulate and make you do exceeding amounts of good decisions down the road. Mastering this placebomanic catch-22 controversy takes practice, but it can be done, and it will work; you will eventually look like Giorgio, the guy with the fake tan in the picture.
When I decided to go vegan six months ago, I changed a lot more than just my diet. I took a break from my work as a traveling skydiver, and I spent several months at home with my regular routine. I slept in my own bed without earplugs and could use the bathroom whenever I wanted. I reduced the amount of alcohol I drank and how much processed food I ate. I got back to regular training, thinking more about when to have a day of rest than when to have time for exercise. I even got so excited with my work-outs that I looked up some of my old results from my 20s. That depressed me quite a bit, and I ended up binge-watching Trump-videos for a few days.
I eventually got back on track, cut down on bread and sugar, and started experimenting with intermittent fasting. I did end up looking younger, but this was mostly because, for the first time in 15 years, I let my hair grow and got a proper haircut. Me going vegan was merely a method to trigger the Force of Placebo. Question is how much it was responsible for all the other health beneficial choices I made.
Nothing gets the Placebo going as efficiently as a pill. Here you can see my daily dose. The ones in the lower left corner are the new generation of miracle pills. The story is the same as it has been for decades. Dr. ISuperSmart claims to have cracked the code of how to put everything a human needs into a capsule. In this case, into three tablets that are supposed to be taken four times a day. The science behind this development is, like always, undisputed and revolutionary. Not surprisingly, the best way to spread this joyful news of the new ultimate fountain of youth is the traditional pyramid-like multi-level marketing system. Special prize only for you, and bring a friend!
The big round one is a multivitamin carbon tablet. It costs near to nothing, and you can find them in gas stations. Hence no high tech science to impress the vegan chicks with, I mostly take them because it reminds me of home. When my mum told me to take my vitamins, this is what she gave me.
Somewhere in that pile, you will find Omega-3. My friend told me her fatty acid ratio was off, and she needed to take supplements. We kind of eat the same, so I immediately started popping them as well. Why not? The pills to the right are a bit of a mystery to me. They have been in my "health- box" for the last eight years. I figured that now when I´m in the zone again, I might as well just send it! If I remember correctly, they had something to do with processing carbs and boost metabolism. Who knows?
Can I, with a straight face, claim that any of these pills have had any direct effect on my health? Absolutely not! However, every morning, when I take them, it makes me feel good. I convince myself that I started the morning with a good decision. I take my VEGAN smoothie and go out on the balcony and look at my unhealthy animal murdering neighbor who is having his Communistic cigar. I provokingly start doing squats and pushups, I embrace the sun and let the power of the Placebo fill my soul; a cumulative amount of beneficial decisions will follow through the day.
One of the most effective methods to reach the Jedi level of Placebo is to remember that it is not only about YOUR health and YOUR decisions. What is equally important is to let everyone else around you know that you are now healthier, fitter, and morally superior. Life is not only about making yourself feel good, but also about making other people feel inferior. Social media and photoshop are, of course, excellent tools for this.
Some of you might object in me calling myself a vegan even though I occasionally consume animal products. True, I have not been a 100% vegan; but pretty darn close, most of the time. But you are wrong to suggest that I should not call myself a vegan. Being a vegan gives you certain undisputed privileges. Just by showing up at any party, you can provoke meat eaters in general and hunters in particular. You can quickly drive everyone crazy by the mere tone of your voice. As the animal killers are about to dig in at the dinner table, put on an overenthusiastic American accent and a big fake smile and say:" Enjoy your meal!". Trust me, the hunter's head will spin like a Swedish soldier when he realizes his country has no army.
Now, if you call your self a vegan but actually are a flexitarian, which basically is a cheating-vegan; you still have all the benefits listed above. But in addition to that, you will have the superpower to drive the vegans crazy too! There is nothing as repulsive to the vegan earthlings than a cheating-vegan.
Therefore, I encourage all of you to give it a try and call yourself a vegan; and do your best to cheat as little as possible. If nothing else it will force you to think about what you eat and why you eat it, which is 80% of what health is all about. Start eating random pills and do one extra squat when you get up from the toilet seat. More good decisions will follow, in time, you will notice that you have started doing more of that remaining 20%.
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