It was an ordinary day, as I desperately tried to make up my mind which dressing to take on my foot-long sub. Moments later, the cashier handed me my sandwich accompanied by a thorough brief on the upcoming revolution led by former President Trump. I was impressed though not wholly convinced.
The Quanonian cashier reassured me that he had not only relentlessly followed the hashtag "revolution" on social media. But during his previous ayahuasca trip, his totem animal took him back to the beginning of time where a three-headed lion confirmed that the Clintons are indeed in cahoots with Soros and his gang of blood-drinking paedophiles. Even though his claims were logical and sound, that annoying shadow of doubt still hindered me from seeing and accepting the truth. The brainwashing of the mainstream media still chained my mind.
My eyes were finally opened when I, due to an old injury, had the privilege to spend one night in the ICU, high on the best opiates the Swiss doctors have to offer. I did not have to wait long before my totem animal showed up in the shape of Barrack Obama. While repeatedly singing happy birthday to us, he took me back to the restaurant Coffee Parisien at Rue de Sablonville 46 in Paris. Right then and there, all the pieces finally fell in place.
Now I know that this might sound strange and that some of you will need more details to join me on the barricades. Just hear me out! Please put on your tinfoil hat, and let me explain how I know for a fact that on August 4th, another great American Revolution will take place!
We need to go all the way back to the year 2 BC (Before Covid). I had just resurfaced from the Catacombs of Paris and randomly walked into the first restaurant I could find. Back then, I thought it was just a curious coincidence that I had picked a restaurant with an American menu and a placemat with all the Presidents lined up. Of course, now I know it was no coincidence, but destiny. To my fellow traveller's great delight, I voluntarily gave a lecture on American History from the perspective of three significant Presidents.
Americans often point out with great pride that their constitution and bill of Rights have stayed the same for the last 244 years. Factually they are correct, but in practice, today's America has needed three revolutions to become the country it is today. Washington, Lincoln and Roosevelt all took turns in fundamentally transforming the city upon the hill.
The first revolution was when the great general and later President George Washington crossed the Delaware River in the war against England. He managed to lose most of the battles, but his French advisers taught him their well-used tactic: ignore the outcome of the battles and focus on winning the peace. In 1783, based on European ideas, the great American experiment became more than just a dream.
The Founding Fathers have often been credited with exceptional foresight in creating a state that has endured the test of time. To some, the US is so unique that it cannot be man-made: the constitution was handed down to the people by Jesus himself. Others point out that the declaration of independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights was a fragile compromise between 13 weak and very different colonies. Slavery being one of the major issues. Many of the Founding Fathers acknowledged that it violated the core ideal of liberty. However, their strong belief in private property rights, limited government principles, and desperate need to include the southern colonies prevented them from making a bold move against slavery. This original sin still haunts the US.
The second revolution came in the 1860s when Abraham Lincoln decided that the Union was finally ready to end slavery. Western Europe had already given up this archaic practice and could now scorn the US for its barbarism, naturally refusing to acknowledge what their wealth was founded upon. Many in the US are eager to remind us that the civil war had nothing to do with slavery per se but about tariffs, taxes and state rights. It just so happened that slavery was a common nominator for these three issues. Besides, white workers and farmers often had it worse than the slaves, and no one really talks about why there was a civil war, and if only President Jackson had been alive, he totally could have stopped it.
The end of slavery helped to modernize the US to its true potential. The native Americans finally gave in and moved to the reservations, and the US could take full advantage of the industrialization and their splendid geographical location. Potential rivals were thousands of miles away, and the land squeezed out resources like pus from a teenagers skin. The US could generously receive the tired and the poor who yearned to breathe free in the rapidly expanding American economy. This was the time when the few and the bright were able to attain the wealth they so well deserved without having to concern themselves with unnecessary rules and regulations. For some, they were the epitome of the American Dream. Others called them robber barons.
The good times lasted till 1929 when the mother of all economic disasters crushed Wall Street. Billions of dollars that never existed in the first place disappeared without a trace. The politician's stood dumbfounded; the only trick they had in the book was to scream laissez-faire, do nothing, and hope that the invisible hand of market economy would save the day.
Franklin D. Roosevelt started the third revolution with his New Deal. He powered through a series of reforms, programs and regulations that slowly but surely dragged the US back on dry land. Many were not fooled, and till this day, they see the New Deal as the biggest mistake in the countries History. They had prayed for Adam Smith, but instead, the door was opened to Karl Marx.
One of the most significant inventions from this time was the holy grail of GNP and the eternal quest for economic growth. The second world war convinced many that debt and growth could fix any crisis. All politicians now understood to bend the knee to the economists who could create the present reality and predict the future.
The United States exceptionalism blossomed through the Cold War era, and the US became the Super Power we are so familiar with from the movie Top Gun. Some did point out that sitting on over half of the world's gold reserve and being one of the few countries with its production capacity still intact might have given the United States a slight advantage, once again.
After a round of standing ovations, the bill was paid, and as a reward, I got to keep one of the placemats. Most of my great lecture was forgotten as soon as we closed the door to the Coffe Parisian on our way out. Except for the placemat, it was this placemat that my totem animal had reminded me of, and as soon as I got home from the hospital, I took another close look at it. And there it was, the truth had been hidden in plain sight the whole time.
When examining these three presidencies, it becomes clear that the revolution cycle is approximately 80 years. The challenge is, of course, to figure out the exact calibration to know when to expect the next one. Starting from Geroge Washington, if you draw a straight line through Lincoln and then Roosevelt, you will end up a quarter into Biden's first term!
There is no doubt that we are at the brink of Americas 4th revolution. The question is how this revolution will be seen 80 years from now. Will it be Biden continuing what Roosevelt started? Will his trillion-dollar infrastructure plan combined with a version of the Green New Deal elevate the best and only hope for the world to new heights? Or, will Trump be reinstated and finally put an end to Roe vs Wade, restore FREEDOM and unite the nation under God once and for all?
Being an oracle is a tricky business. Grasping what your totem animal is trying to tell is not always easy. Obama might also have dropped by just to remind me of our birthday.
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